Guidance.

We've been having really bizarre weather lately...
It rains for two days straight, then it gets warmer. Then the temperature drops 10 degrees and the following day we have +25.
I no longer know how to dress. The weather should just make up its mind. Honestly.

So you might be wondering where we are at with Olivier.
I have to admit, it's not completely ok yet, but it's getting better.
The thing is, that I did some soul searching and realized that I love him, but only the Past him. The Present him I do not love. This will be difficult to explain, so bear with me.
When we speak on the phone, everything is normal, but once I am in his presence, I don't know how to act.
It's like, in my heart, I only see the Past one and when I am face to face with the Present one, I feel confused, cheated, betrayed, angry that he is not The One.
So I freeze and get easily frustrated with him.

You see, the Past Olivier was all I hoped for. Kind, gentle, attentive, present, holder of my heart and the pillar of my life.
The Present one is frightened, hesitant and indecisive, afraid to talk to me.
There is no more passion, no more heat, not even routine. It's more the life of two roommates.
So why is that ?
One of the qualities I like about myself is that I never exclude my part in the fault.
I try to think and find and look at myself critically to try to resolve the problem.
Indeed, a couple is made of 2 people, and it only works is both are willing.

I was no longer willing.
At one point, I threw in my gloves, sat in a corner and waited for the other one to do everything.
I have to remind you that Olivier is very shy and that I am his first girlfriend. He's only had a few connaissances of a few months, but never something serious.
Hell, when we first started going out, he wouldn't even dare to look at me!
It was being with me, my gentle and sometimes harsh methods, that led him out of his shell to become someone more confident and self-assured. (His words, not mine, tho I do know all this)
So being with someone extremely shy, meant that I had to repeat and repeat and repeat everything a gazillion times. I am a patient lady, but I HATE repeating myself.
It makes me feel that the other didn't care to listen.
Repeat, rewind, repeat, rewind, frustration, repeat, rewind, anger, repeat and so on.

So at one point, I had had enough of his politeness, his hesitations, his lack of spontaneous actions and inability to decide of things, that I took of my gloves and stomped on them.
And seen that every feeling can be read on my face whether I want it to be read or not, he must have sensed the attitude change that made him even more hesitant.
In a couple, I feel that we walk on the same path, holding hands, guiding the other one simultaneously. The path is bright as long as the hands are interlocked. I let go of that hand. The path disappeared.
Now imagine him in the dark, panicking, trying to find me, reaching for me, glimpsing me, but never grasping me because I refuse to help him find me, all the while making him feel guilty and unwanted.

I feel like a fucking sadist bitch.

Of course he would no longer dare talk to me ! How can I expect him to be natural with me when all I let him see is the contempt in my eyes? He is nothing but supportive and caring. When did I turn into this monster ?
What happened ?

I got tired and he scared of trying.

Like I said, we both need to go the distance and change. It will be a while before my emotions will heal and I will start to love him like before and even more.
Our hands have now found each other and the path is clear.