Cold.

What is wrong is this country ?!

Why is it cold and raining ?!

Since Thurday night, I'm been fighting against an incoming flu.

I felt an urinary infection coming along - hop, I took Trimopan to block it from getting worse, then I felt my throat getting itchy - hop, I took a Burana to calm it down, then I started feeling cold - hop, double dose of Finrex (boy I'm lucky to have a doctor for a sister).

Then I wrapped Olivier's scarf around my neck (he doesn't use it), put on my stout woolen socks, my long jammies and went to bed.

The next day I woke up refreshed like a blooming flower.

Ok, I lied.

I couldn't sleep so I snuck out of the bedroom and spent 3 hours of insomnia on my computer, reading and TRYING to fall asleep.

I woke up drowsy and cursing myself for having too much will power. I had made an appointment with Vincent, our ostheo next door to our beauty salon at 9.45 am. And then I decided to pop in the salon for a body treatment.

So Vincent told me that due to a small scar under my lower lip, my whole body was unstabilized.

He made me crack - literally (sorry for the stupid pun) and eased a bit my lower back pains.

I made an appointment with him in two weeks.

Yay.

Then I went for my body treatment (1 hour of sleep and warmth) and then left to do some shopping. I bought a frilly short dress and a cute long sleeved top.

I love Promod by the way. Love it.

Olivier joined my afterwards and we went for a walk in Paris. I was so tired when we got home that I just crashed on the couch and went to sleep. I woke up at 7.30 pm, joined Olivier in the bed for 1 hour of nap and then got up at 8.30.

He ate and watched a weird Anime on TV.

We're better now. Not quite there yet, I haven't completely gotten over my depression yet even if I know I love him and that he'll always be there for me. I just...my body isn't yet ready for more than hugs, cuddles and a quick kiss. Other than that and it becomes difficult for me. Must be due to my bad past experiences. Hope it goes away soon..

I acknowledge the fact that I'm not completely well, mentally speaking. Might not classify as being a total nut case but I'm not completely stable either.

I have these bad periods during the year. Normally just once a year. Then it's better.

Just gotta think positive and not be beaten by the darkness.

At least I know there are hands that will pull me out of the darkest hole :)

Depression.

Things have been bad, very bad.

I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into my depression and finally hit rock bottom.

I haven't been feeling well for awhile now.

My head aches have gone worse and Thursday I woke up with a pain so terrible I couldn't stop crying. I went to work, but as soon as I had arrived, I just burst into tears.

My superiors were really understanding as I explained again about my eyes. They suggested I phone the medecin esthétique who works with us to have his opinion.

He of course didn't believe it was my eyes, he suggested going to see a generaliste and see what he had to say.

Fine, I went to the nearest medical center and regretted it instantly when I saw the reception.

4 young horribly made-up girls with messy hairstyles occupied the post. Really not at all nice and they openly critiqued the patients that had passed before me. Horrible.

So I went to sit in the waiting room and used the time to call my mutuelle.

You see I was contacted a few weeks ago by my mutuelle to tell me that they had failed to reimburse any of my medical cares since February 2009. Great.

So the first person told me to contact my social security center to get the duplicata of all my medical fees since 2009 and ask them to add them (my mutuelle) to their records so that any futur medical fee would be taken in charge automatically.

So I called and a nice lady asnwered. She told me that they were going to take care of the duplicata, they were to contact my social security centers so that I wouldn't have to. Oh, great, less things for me to do.

Anyways, the doctor received me and sat me down. Excuse me, he said, I just need to make a quick phone call. Oh, by all means.

He grumbled something about the reception and then when the other side answered, he said:

"You seriously need to stop now. Stop sending me patients!"

And that's when I understood that this visit was worth shit.

He didn't think it was my eyes. He didn't know what it was, he didn't even examine me so yeah, kinda hard to do the diagnosis eh ?? And since he didn't think it was my eyes, he could've sent me to do blood tests. Did he ? Noooo. He prescribeb painkillers for my head "that should help".

Yeah screw you.

I went home and straight to bed. I slept the whole day.

Same thing Friday.

Saturday I wasn't ok but I did my job.

Sunday Olivier's match was cancelled which meant no going out with the girls as planned. So I was still depressed and told him I wasn't up to anything.

He started playing with Zelda and at one point my spirits lifted a bit and I told him that I wanted to do something. "Great" he said and continued playing.

I waited, and waited. And then I tired of waiting and went to bed. He came 30 mins after.

"Ok, what do you want to do?" Nothing anymore clearly, my spirits had gone down again.

Ok he said, I'll be here if you need me and went to take a shower.

After his shower he told me he was going to go see the rugby match that started at 3pm.

Me, hurt by the news just told him to go if he wanted to. So he did, very obviously furious.

I was left alone, vulnerable and depressed. I needed to get out. I needed to talk to someone, not be alone - but there was no one.

The only person I trust in France is Olivier. I don't trust others enough to call them up suddenly for coffee or whatever.

So I took comfort in the second best thing : chocolates and candy.

And of course I was sick afterwards. I felt like crap and a failure. So I thought what the hell and lay on the coach, eating salted peanuts.

Finally when Olivier came home, he went straight to bed. I followed him later to the room and just stood looking at him. When he finally understood that I was standing there, he turned around and told me that he hadn't wanted to go see the match but I had left him no choice. I told him that well, I guess it's not working between us, I don't see the point in continuing a relationship that makes both of us miserable. He disagreed with me, but at the time I was fuming so I took my stuff and left the house saying that I was sure there was a rugby match on the tv for him to what. The pained sound he made was like a fist in the gut.

I walked for 3 hours before coming home, he was waiting on the couch. I repeated that to me it was over, but he wouldn't hear it. He went to bed and I stayed on the couch and in my state of rage changed my status on FB from "couple" to "single".

Olivier woke me up in the middle of the night telling me that he was a bit shaken up by a phone call he had received from Yann, asking him about what he had seen on FB.

"Is it true?" in a very small voice, "is it really true?" came as a whisper.

I told you, didn't I ? And he started crying.

For more than an hour we talked and cried. I finally accepted to join him in bed but nothing was really solved.

We're taking it slow now, I know he's pretty shaken up and afraid, I am too, but in my state of depression I have no emotions so I need time to get it together and stop feeling lost. I hope that day will come soon. I know that I love him but my body doesn't. My body is cold and empty.

Cold without its heart.

Flip me over, I'm done

Whoa, last post last Wednesday.

It's been interesting since...

My glasses are no longer suited for my sight so I've had head aches.

Head aches = fatigue = irritability = guilt = depression.

Olivier's absence has gnawed at me for awhile and it's started to piss me off.

The diet can be tiring, but since I'm already tired, it's been worse. And since I haven't seen a change in my weight or my silhouette, it hasn't exactly been motivating.

And to top all that with bad news = chocolate, chips, candy until I felt sick => did NOT help anything.

So Friday I lost it and turned to food. Gah.

Saturday I didn't eat anything, felt depressed, sad and out of it, got really mad at Olivier for being 20 mins late and went to see Black Swan (great film).

The film made me realize that I might've been obsessing about my weight a bit too much..

Oh well. We talked things over with Olivier and everything's ok now.

And to rid me of my sadness and boredom, Sunday I spent the day shopping. :D It was really nice. Bought 3 tops, 2 cardigans and a lovely cream colored short skirt. And all that for a total of 50€. Not bad if I say so myself :)

I could've easily spent more, but I decided not to. I'm such a loser. I see something I like and I tell myself that it wouldn't look as nice on me as on the hanger. phh... Well at least it saves me money. :)

So depression is still on, but it's less noticeable.

Well my team knows of it but they don't let it bother them :) I love my team.

Scarification

Ah, my weekend starts tomorrow.

Yesterday was interesting. My patience was deeply tested and my darling surprised me.

A former BP classmate of mine sent me a message via Facebook to inform me that her was programmed to have her eyebrows bzzzzd by me. She had recommended me because apparently she knows I do "excellent work". Don't know where she gets that, she's never seen any of the permanent make ups I've done. Oh well.

So the lady was 15 mins late and because she had a particular taste it took us a looooong time to find the right shape for her eybrows. Bref, I won't go in to the details but it cost me my entire lunch break. I was even 10 mins late for my next client, scheduled AFTER my break.

Anyways. She seemed happy about her eyebrows (not my cup of tea) and now I await with curiosity to see if I hear from my ex-classmate.

My patience was no tested by the lady for the eyebrows, but by the hag with the ridiculously thick eyeliner. Her eyeliner was created by me (I remembered her when I saw her, she cost me my lunchbreak the first time she came for her eyes because she was 30mins late, didn't know what she wanted and was impossible to work with) was not thick enough for her taste. In fact she didn't even understand why she had had to pay for a thick creation when to her it was so thin no one noticed it (umm, it was like 2 mm wide..).

So she kinda aggressed me. I think she has some self-confidence issues.

Now what madame did not understand was that she has droopy eyelids. That means too much loose skin = hides 2/3 of the eyeliner.

So she wanted it to be seen in it's fullest so after thickening it with the make up pen to suit her tastes, I had 5 mm to fill with ink. 5 MM. THAT'S FUCKING HUGE.

That's like 3x the size of a "thick" eyeliner. GOOD GOD.

And it took me 3 hours to do. And she was unbearable.

My god I wanted to drill the needle in her eye just to make her shut the fuck up.

Every 3 secs I had to stop because she couldn't bear it. And she didn't understand WHY the job was to done in 5 mins. DUDE.

I'll post pics, I swear. It's too wide to imagine. And the worst part is that only 2/3 of the work will be visible because of her droopy eyelids !! Honestly, she'd rather get her eyelids operated that waste 3 hours of my time.

GRRR.

Good thing I had cheri who had decided to skip evening practice to spend more time with me :D

That's sooooo cuuuuute. My Sunday ranting might've had something to do with his decision (I told him that I didn't like it when he left me alone on Sundays for his matches. I don't like it, but it's what he loves so I want him to be able to do what he loves, but I'm allowed not to like being left alone every Sunday).

We watched Princess Bride (great movie!) even if first Olivier was not convinced because of the "True Love" theme. He started to appreciate it more 15 mins into the film :D

Today was the day I decided to punish myself for allllll the bad things I've already done this year (notably to calm my guilt for the permanent make up), so I decided to fix our sterilizer. I managed to pretty much rip off the skin on my forearms in my rage to accept defeat. I succeeded in fixing the damn thing and the damn thing succeeded in scarring both of my forearms. I call it even.

The girls thought me insane and even my boss freaked out at the sight of my battle scars.

Won't post pics of my mutilated skin, it's not that red anymore. I killed myself (twice) by applying the Phyt's Naturoderm anticeptic on it. Oooh it burns.

Pain is your friend, it lets you know you're still alive.

And after a hard days work I went to eat sushi with Lucie, the gf of a friend of Olivier's. :) It was very enjoyable. I like Lucie.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Olivier's brother's wife Gala and eat dinner with Olivier's aunt. I need to prepare my own eats because of my diet. Ha.

And I'd just prefer sleeping... y_y

Permanent make up piccies

As threatened, here are the pics of the magnifique eyebrows I made. So these pics are right after the retouching so you can see the lines quite clearly and with lymph drops. Feel free to critique !

(sorry about the photo angles, I tried to be quick about it since she was expected for another kind of torture : electolysis)

WE

Ah, I had Thursday-Friday off.

Tomorrow I return to work. Wuppiiii.

I've calmed down since my last post and I feel less guilty about it. I think I no longer feel guilt, just disappointment. It helped to have talked AGAIN with my boss and heard the facts.

And it also helped when I saw clients of mine who were really happy with their tattoos. :)

Must post pics soon, I was so content with a pair of eyebrows that I took quite a few pics of 'em ;D

Show off.

Yesterday I went to get the bag I had ordered ! I go get it and .. it's the wrong color.

Great. Couldn't turn back home since I had to go get Olivier's hoodie that had arrived at another Relais Kiala, at Nanterre. The place closed at 1 p.m. and it was a 1h walk (yes I decided to walk).

So after having collected the hoodie I stopped by at home to shower and change, dropped off a letter at my bank and went to see my ex-landlady, Anneli.

Now Anneli is really nice, she just..talks alot and sometimes you get this feeling that she's complimenting you just to get on your good side.

Oh well.

Anneli's daughter Maria is a dancer and is out every night till 1 a.m. Lilou is Maria'a daughter, aged 2½ years.

I don't like children.

Lilou was with Anneli and it ticked me off.

Oh well. I coped.

Now I've tried to contact Maria on several occasions after I had moved out of the flat, but she never answered nor did she returns my calls.

The only times she contacts me is when she needs me to buy her the products our salon works with. And that really ticks me off.

Not only does she complain about their price but she never gives me "extra". If I had bought stuff for 24,87€, she gives me 24,87€, not 25€. I mean dude, I buy them for her and I bring them TO her. When I saw Anneli, she gave me a list Maria had wrote. Boy did that ruin my mood.

I told Anneli what I thought and to my surprise, she agreed. Then came the story.

Apparently they do not get along and in Maria's eyes Anneli is just good enough to baby-sit Lilou.

It's horrible to say, but since I've gotten to know both of them, I've started to not completely believe everything they say. But oh well. If the situation really is bad like that, I find it really sad.

I like Anneli and wish she'd have it easier.. :/

After I left Anneli with Lilou, I went to see Laure :)

I like Laure, I met her at a Sunday sport when I still lived in Montparnasse.

She works in the theater business and I find her quite smart. I feel pretty stupid next to her but bref. We get along. :) She has a passion for theater and "weird productions" like she says. I wish we had more things in common. ^^

Today we'll go eat with Olivier's mom, she'll prolly ask the same frigging questions she always asks, I need to go return the wrong-color-bag, do some groceries shopping and go the gym class.. I will DIE. I didn't mention in the last post that there's this silly competition going on, you have to finish a circuit as fast as you can. They've made charts with age groups, names and scores. They are serious about it. So I was forced to do the silly circuit even when I told them that I hadn't been exercising since late October and that the 30min work out I had just completed had sent my heart racing like mad. I was tired and aching and just wanted to get it over and done with. As I raced I just wanted it to end. As I did my push-ups I just wanted it to end. As I struggled to lift 20 kgs to the sky I just wanted it to end. And finally as I rowed like no one has ever rowed before, I just wanted it to end.

5min15s.

1st place.

And if someone beats my record in the circuit, LET THEM. I don't care. I am happy to let them have 1st place. Just don't make me go through it again.