Guidance.

We've been having really bizarre weather lately...
It rains for two days straight, then it gets warmer. Then the temperature drops 10 degrees and the following day we have +25.
I no longer know how to dress. The weather should just make up its mind. Honestly.

So you might be wondering where we are at with Olivier.
I have to admit, it's not completely ok yet, but it's getting better.
The thing is, that I did some soul searching and realized that I love him, but only the Past him. The Present him I do not love. This will be difficult to explain, so bear with me.
When we speak on the phone, everything is normal, but once I am in his presence, I don't know how to act.
It's like, in my heart, I only see the Past one and when I am face to face with the Present one, I feel confused, cheated, betrayed, angry that he is not The One.
So I freeze and get easily frustrated with him.

You see, the Past Olivier was all I hoped for. Kind, gentle, attentive, present, holder of my heart and the pillar of my life.
The Present one is frightened, hesitant and indecisive, afraid to talk to me.
There is no more passion, no more heat, not even routine. It's more the life of two roommates.
So why is that ?
One of the qualities I like about myself is that I never exclude my part in the fault.
I try to think and find and look at myself critically to try to resolve the problem.
Indeed, a couple is made of 2 people, and it only works is both are willing.

I was no longer willing.
At one point, I threw in my gloves, sat in a corner and waited for the other one to do everything.
I have to remind you that Olivier is very shy and that I am his first girlfriend. He's only had a few connaissances of a few months, but never something serious.
Hell, when we first started going out, he wouldn't even dare to look at me!
It was being with me, my gentle and sometimes harsh methods, that led him out of his shell to become someone more confident and self-assured. (His words, not mine, tho I do know all this)
So being with someone extremely shy, meant that I had to repeat and repeat and repeat everything a gazillion times. I am a patient lady, but I HATE repeating myself.
It makes me feel that the other didn't care to listen.
Repeat, rewind, repeat, rewind, frustration, repeat, rewind, anger, repeat and so on.

So at one point, I had had enough of his politeness, his hesitations, his lack of spontaneous actions and inability to decide of things, that I took of my gloves and stomped on them.
And seen that every feeling can be read on my face whether I want it to be read or not, he must have sensed the attitude change that made him even more hesitant.
In a couple, I feel that we walk on the same path, holding hands, guiding the other one simultaneously. The path is bright as long as the hands are interlocked. I let go of that hand. The path disappeared.
Now imagine him in the dark, panicking, trying to find me, reaching for me, glimpsing me, but never grasping me because I refuse to help him find me, all the while making him feel guilty and unwanted.

I feel like a fucking sadist bitch.

Of course he would no longer dare talk to me ! How can I expect him to be natural with me when all I let him see is the contempt in my eyes? He is nothing but supportive and caring. When did I turn into this monster ?
What happened ?

I got tired and he scared of trying.

Like I said, we both need to go the distance and change. It will be a while before my emotions will heal and I will start to love him like before and even more.
Our hands have now found each other and the path is clear.

Spring

It's been a while again.

Not a lot has happened, but it's marked me nonetheless.
I finally had enough of Olivier's hesitations considering our relationship and I confronted him about it.
He promised to change as I did to be patient with him. Let's see if the 50th time is the charm....

I mean, he doesn't DARE talk to me about anything.
He didn't get me anything for our 3-year anniversary because he - and I quote - "didn't have the guts".
What ?
Am I that bad of a monster that my boyfriend, who is supposed to hold my heart, be himself, relax around me, find his haven in me, now finds himself short of a pair of balls ?!
Apparently he dares not tell me when things aren't to his liking or if he wants to do something because he is afraid of making a mistake and thus hurting my feelings ?! WTF.
I asked if it hurt his feelings when I sometimes tell him very honestly what I think about something. No, because at least he'll know about it. Does it hurt him if I pay attention to him but fail to for ex. buy his favorite dessert as a surprise ? No, because it's the intention that counts.
Well why can't he do the same thing with me ?
Does he not trust me enough to stay by his side even after a huge fight consisting of wicked tongue slashing ?

That really hurt.
Not as much as him revealing that sometimes he wants to do something nice for me, but then doesn't because he's afraid it won't matter. Instead of trying, he leaves me wondering why I only got a 10€ sweater for our anniversary, no card, no flowers, no gift wrapping.
Did I go overboard when I gave him gifts thinking it wasn't enough and surprised him with a bubble bath and a cake? I kinda felt stupid.
I love doing things for him, and I don't expect flowers everyday, diamonds, luxury hotels, it's just that.. sometimes I like to be reminded that he put some effort in showing me how special I am to him.. Maybe I ask too much, I don't know.
But I do know that you can't be happy in a relationship if talking to the other party is complicated. He can't be happy thus I can't be happy.
I can only be miserable knowing that my boyfriend FEARS ME.

Well.
After our talk, all we have to do is see if there is change.
I urged him to take the initiative when he feels like it, to shove it down my throat when it's necessary and BE HIMSELF.
Gah.

He seems to be better since our little talk. More relaxed around me, which is good and much appreciated. :) I just want him to be happy. Preferably with me.

Spring is starting to show itself.
We've had a few warmer days, where the evening air was still fresh, as in pure, and inviting.
Today there're clouds covering the sky, no sun to be seen and a slight breeze. It's a national holiday so I'm just using it to rest, be lazy and do nothing. :)
Well, I did do a gift for one of my clients. She lost her cat Cookie a while back so I decided that finally, today, I was to sculpt a kitty figurine for her, using my polymer clays.
She sent me pictures of Cookie so I know what she looked like. I made her lie down, holding a jar of milk and a plate of cookies :D Yes, corny, I know. I just can't help myself.
Will put up pictures afterwards. Or you can just check it out on my DeviantArt page.

I have 5 days off in July. I have yet to decide what to do... hmmmmm...

Apparently Father and Brother are in frosty terms... they fought, didn't quite understand why, but hopefully neither got hurt. Dad doesn't need much to blow up and bro isn't exactly the shy one either.
*sigh*
It just makes me feel all queasy.. :/

Oh!

I discovered a wonderful delight called mochi ! I discovered them in a Japanese restaurant. I had seen them in the Asian supermarket I sometimes go to, but I always decided to try them another time. So, at the restaurant, I finally got the opportunity to taste them and gaaaaaawd are they good !
It's basically a sweet rice flour bun filled with ankô, a sweet red bean paste. The texture resembles that of Flubber, so you got to be careful not to take too much into your mouth at a time. There're even deaths by suffocating in Japon, provoked by these lovely treats :D
You can also stuff them with whatever you want, and use food colorings to bring some bright happiness to them :D
I tried making them last week. The taste was ok (didn't use as much sugar as suggested) but I guess I didn't precook the flour long enough. They didn't hold their round shape well enough.
Making anko was easy. I didn't use the azuki beans traditionally used, I used plain red beans.
I find the result pleasing. I made a whole butt load of it too ! :D Put it in the freezer for later use.
I need to try to make them today again :D
Miam miam.
Even Olivier likes them, which is pretty rare.

Oh well, back to work !