Spring

So I didn't continue writing like I said I would..... oops.

I was just so tired.

So we went to see folding bikes.

I slipped on my Alice Crocs and took the train to Paris. After 15mins of walking, I started to feel funny in my shoes. 5 min more and I was dying to find a pharmacy.

Even with Compeed plasters walking was hell. We walked for more than an hour so you can imagine my pain. When we finally arrived at our destination, my feet were throbbing and I couldn't test the bikes. Oliv' did that for me.

After leaving the shop I limped to a bench and ripped off my shoes. My feet were covered in blisters and useless compeed-patches. I couldn't even put my shoes back on, just the sight of them made me want to throw them in a burning fire. Oliv' proposed letting me use his shoes and him using mine. I refused up front, the thought on him having to use lady ballerinas was out of the question. We then decided that I walk barefoot until finding a pair of shoes or socks.

We didn't find either, but we did find a pair of soft indoor ballerinas for 3,99€.

They saved my afternoon.

We followed our trail to Decathlon where I test drove their bike. It felt good, easy, and the folding didn't seem that complicated. We returned home and reserved the same bike I had tried but in a different color (70€ difference..).

Olivier went to get it since I worked that day (Saturday). I didn't get to see it until Monday when we returned from our weekend get away to the Loire.

We spent Easter in the Loire, where we stayed at a small fancy hotel, rode bikes to see the Castle of Chambord, had our picnic in front of a nuclear power plant (talk about romantic) and went to dine at Blois at a disappointing restaurant. I also managed to get drunk on 1 pint. Unheard of.

Monday we went to see an exposé using small patches of garden. It was outdoors and quite bizarre. It was ok, but well.. the weren't something my eyes would awe upon, they were just nice. That done we took the car to head home and were stuck 4½h in traffic. Jihhaaa.

Once home I got to see Hobbes (the name of my new bike) and Olivier, smiling like a silly kid, proudly gave me my 2-years anniversary gift.

Which I did not like.

And the evening went on in silence.

I can't help it, if I don't like something, I have to say it. I can't fake a smile thinking that "oh god, if I stay quiet, next year I might get something worse", so I have to be honest.

People tell me that I'm not polite, I don't take in account the other person's feelings - EXCUSE ME? Just because someone offers me crap without taking in account MY feelings, thinking smugly that "good thing I bought this decorated candle, it really shows how much effort I put into finding her a suitable gift" doesn't mean I have to accept it.

I HATE "forced personal gifts". Gifts that are bought just because a gift must be given.

It's different when you buy gifts for like when we did the Christmas party with my colleagues. The gifts were anonymous, so it was just fun :)

And I HATE useless "decorations". Unless it goes well with the apartment and it to my tastes.

Olivier bought me a Trousselier - fake plant decoration.

It is pretty, I even told him so when we saw it in a shop's window, but in no case did I want one for myself. It has nothing to do in our apartment. It doesn't look good anywhere.

And it costs too much for what it is.

I'd love to return it, but I can only exchange it for something. Looking at it only makes me angry. It's not supposed to be me who goes to buy my present, people who are supposed to know me - and know me WELL - should be capable of buying me something I like.

I've fixed the problem by telling my family that gifts are not needed, if they want to offer me something, they should either give me a) nothing b) a gift certificate c) money

Honesty, I prefer a).

So now I have this decoration staring at me that makes me fume.

Olivier was bizarre yesterday, feeling all sad and in need of pity. I got so angry at him that I almost took my bike and left. But I CAN'T take my bike out, I don't have a helmet and I don't have a lock for it. I told him I would've appreciated a helmet and lock more than a stupid dead plant decoration. So it made me even angrier.

He doesn't know how to talk clearly, only making me confused and even more angry. I hate that about him.

And he refuses to write down his thoughts to get the right phrase out.

And he claims it's really hard to know what to get me for a gift because he knows that I've told him on several occasions what I like or when I see something I like, I tell him, but he finds it really hard to write it down to remember it later.

Whatever.

Makes me really mad.

I should just buy him a stupid glass decoration as well. See how he takes it.

I almost regret using 2 days to get him tickets to see his favorite band.

Almost.

This week at work has been interesting.

We have France 5 for Magazine Santé filming us non-stop for 5 days. I feel they've filmed me most of all the other 10 girls. They came to film eyebrow tattooing, a foot care, a facial and they interviewed me separately.

Now for the eyebrow tattooing... My client had already a tattooing gone hideously wrong.

The shape was horrible and color as well. It was now the color or pale violet. brr..

So I had to draw eyebrows that a) followed the initial tattoo to cover the ugliness of it all b) had the shape that went well with the client's face c) had the right color d) didn't resemble the initial tattoo in the least

Easy.

It didn't make it any easier that the room I used was small, the lighting was crap and there was a camera filming my every more and recording my stupid voice.

Oh I did I forget to add that my client was scared shitless and fearing the worst ?!

Like I said, easy.

After the tattooing, the interviewed me on make up tattooing, my job, my likes and dislikes and such. The bizarrest question they asked was "Do you sometimes have clients that disgust you?"

Beg your pardon?

I don't clearly remember what I said, I just stammered something about the word being too strong for me to use and that it was appreciated if the skin we worked on was clean. And that sometimes we just wondered to ourselves why some people lack that basic hygiene.

I think I'll be getting a warning letter from my boss if ever they air it..............

Tonight, concert.

It's always raining in my head.

It's Friday and I have a day off.

I had my reasons for not writing, one of them being that I didn't want to, I was afraid of what I'd reveal with my writing.

Now that the storm has passed, my fears are gone.

I didn't want to go to Finland. I almost missed the plane because I took so long deciding whether to go or not. I dreaded it. I know, I was aching to go to Finland a month and so ago, but the situation changed. I gained weight. I gained back all I had lost.

I felt so ashamed of myself, so stupid, like a total loser. Everyone had known about my depression and my weight loss, but no one knew I had gained everything back.

So I didn't want to show myself.

Olivier had to convince my (by phone) to get my fat ass to the airport to see my family, otherwise I'd regret it.

I then finally packed my suitcase and left. I was at the airport 45min before the plane took off.

At least I didn't have to wait long.

I felt bad on arriving to Finland. Sure, I was happy to see my sister, my mom, but I couldn't shake off the shame.

I felt awkward.

I was really happy to see my friends. They made me forget about everything. To think that there's actually people who take to time and money to come especially to see me.. I don't know what to say. Except that I don't deserve it. But I'm more than happy that they did.

I bumped into Peter. I couldn't believe it at first when I lifted my eyes in irritation from the books-for-sale-bin to the figure hovering over me, only to lock eyes with someone I haven't seen since summer but who often and repeatedly appears in my mind for numerous reasons.

I felt like running away first for the briefest of times, but was then incredibly...relieved I guess. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, like rays of sun after a long stay in the dark, like.. someone I needed to see.

We stayed at this café talking for like 1½ -2h. It was too short.

We talked about stuff new and old, about Ann-Mi, our relationships and plans.

I can talk about my pains with anyone who asks, but there are only a few with whom I can talk face to face and without feeling worried. Worried of being judged, looked down upon, frowned at, ignored etc.

He is one of those few.

He's the only one of my friends I saw twice during my short stay - and he didn't even know I was coming. Boy did I feel stupid and bad about it. I guess I didn't think he'd have time for me, or if his gf would permit the meeting, had she known it was me (I got this feeling she reeeeaaally likes me - or not). So I didn't want to be the reason for fights or trouble.

I'm just sad I missed Ann-Mi by a few days. Sucks major ass.

I went to see an optician whilst there. And surprise surprise, my vision HAS CHANGED.

Fucking useless over payed turds they have here in France, claiming to be eye doctors, having spent years honing their skills in the mystery known as the EYE. Well it's still seems to be quite a mystery for them!! For fuck's sake, I have to travel 1950 km to get to hear the phrase "Yes, your vision has changed". I felt like crying of joy when she said it, not looking at me like I was so ignorant slut not worth her time and just waiting to get her hands on the 70€ she charges for a bad job.

Furking turds...

After coming back from Finland I was exhausted. Not just by the traveling but also by the fake smiles I had to flash and the bad feelings I had to disguise. For a while I really felt like letting go of everything, disappearing and the easy way out.

Even if I am a coward, I can't not think of the people and the pain I'd be leaving behind.

So I just sit here and let myself rot, causing pain to Olivier. I really don't understand why he bothers with me..

I was so incredibly tired this week that I asked to have my Tuesday off. It was granted, thanks to non-existing clients. I was able to stay home and rest. My back pains have reappeared, it's not a funny feeling. It fucking aches.

And to make it worse, Tuesday I couldn't rest well because they were fixing up the plumbings upstairs. And I could rest even less when they came to drill the wall in our toilets. Yihhaa.

The head plumber (he looked like Luigi with his thick black mustache) just kept cursing our building to the deepest darkest corners of Hell while at the same time hoping not to burst the main water line. Whoop-di-doo.

I'll write more later today, we're leaving to see foldable bikes. yay.

That which I once called home, sweet home

Wheeeee!!

Finland tomorrow!

God the time has just flown !! :D I'm just so glad to get a breather and see my family and friends. However short a time it may be..

Oh I received my Fauchon order ! Whew, good thing they got here in time otherwise I wouldn't have known what to bring to my friends in Finland or what to do with 7 boxes of Fauchon goodies if I received them too late. :D

I went to buy my UID today. On the packaging it looks pretty weird, kinda like an inwards turned claw. I've always just seen the T-formed types, so it's slightly freaking me out. Oh well, now all I have to do is wait for the right moment. If it ever comes..

Yesterday we went to bed at 4 am. "Why," you ask, "I thought you worked on Wednesdays?" Well the reason for that is my heart's love for rugby - a sport that can sometimes prove to be a total bitch. You love it, it breaks you.

And this time it broke his nose.

Yeah yeah, I know, he broke his nose like 5 months ago. Sure, it just swelled up a bit, but this time he took it up a notch and managed a lovely gash to make sure it wouldn't go unnoticed. Broken AND open.

GAH.

So we drove to the ER and waited. And waited. And then we waited some more.

Good thing we're used to these visits so I prepared rations (p'tits déjs) and books. Oliv' is reading The Wheel of Time series and I'm devouring the first of the Stieg Larsson's "Millenium" trilogy. A very good book so far, at moments disgusting, but very captivating. I almost feel the need to skip some lines to advance faster to the conclusion :D

Work was good again today. Bizarrely I didn't feel tired at all. It must be the sun.

We've had lovely weather lately, from +17 to +24 but with an unwanted heaviness in the air. I sure hope we're spared of the canicule this summer. Otherwise I just may die.

And I'll die even more on top of Mont Blanc! I must be insane to do it....

Oh speaking of MB, Oliv' started planning our route on Sunday while I went to get a massage and he stayed in a bar drinking beer :)

Sunday was nice. We walked from our place to the massage parlor (less than 2h) and discussed this and that on our way there. I begged his pardon in advance because I know that whilst going through the trekking I'll be smelly, disgusting, sweaty, whiny, bitchy and ugly (aka my charming self) for the whole 10-12 days it'll take us to complete the trek. He promised to be my equal :)

The massage was.. interesting.

It was a tiny place (it was actually pretty big, just crammed full with massaging rooms) and all the girls working there were Asian who didn't understand a word of French.... Smells of underpaid, abused labor here...

So anyways, the massage was - like I said - interesting.

It hurt.

I really hurt.

And once it was over, "it's over *click says the lightswitch*, good day *exit*". You're left trying to regain your eyesight after a blinding awakening to reality and while you're trying to clothe yourself, the boss of the joint first sees you half naked through the slightly open door ("Salut, ça va? ça était?") and then 5 seconds after that tries "by mistake" to install another client in the booth that you are in ("Oh I didn't see you there").

I went with Anne and Sandra. Anne hated her massage and Sandra was more accepting.

We joined Oliv' around his beer and had a nice time chitchating about various things.

Sandra left with her car, we walked Anne to the train station, started to walk home but then realized it was really too late to walk 2 hours to get home, make food and eat. So we took ze train and lived happily ever after.

Well, atleast we ate well.

And watched I love you, Philip Morris and Final Destination 3. ;)

I can't wait to be in Finland.