Guidance.

We've been having really bizarre weather lately...
It rains for two days straight, then it gets warmer. Then the temperature drops 10 degrees and the following day we have +25.
I no longer know how to dress. The weather should just make up its mind. Honestly.

So you might be wondering where we are at with Olivier.
I have to admit, it's not completely ok yet, but it's getting better.
The thing is, that I did some soul searching and realized that I love him, but only the Past him. The Present him I do not love. This will be difficult to explain, so bear with me.
When we speak on the phone, everything is normal, but once I am in his presence, I don't know how to act.
It's like, in my heart, I only see the Past one and when I am face to face with the Present one, I feel confused, cheated, betrayed, angry that he is not The One.
So I freeze and get easily frustrated with him.

You see, the Past Olivier was all I hoped for. Kind, gentle, attentive, present, holder of my heart and the pillar of my life.
The Present one is frightened, hesitant and indecisive, afraid to talk to me.
There is no more passion, no more heat, not even routine. It's more the life of two roommates.
So why is that ?
One of the qualities I like about myself is that I never exclude my part in the fault.
I try to think and find and look at myself critically to try to resolve the problem.
Indeed, a couple is made of 2 people, and it only works is both are willing.

I was no longer willing.
At one point, I threw in my gloves, sat in a corner and waited for the other one to do everything.
I have to remind you that Olivier is very shy and that I am his first girlfriend. He's only had a few connaissances of a few months, but never something serious.
Hell, when we first started going out, he wouldn't even dare to look at me!
It was being with me, my gentle and sometimes harsh methods, that led him out of his shell to become someone more confident and self-assured. (His words, not mine, tho I do know all this)
So being with someone extremely shy, meant that I had to repeat and repeat and repeat everything a gazillion times. I am a patient lady, but I HATE repeating myself.
It makes me feel that the other didn't care to listen.
Repeat, rewind, repeat, rewind, frustration, repeat, rewind, anger, repeat and so on.

So at one point, I had had enough of his politeness, his hesitations, his lack of spontaneous actions and inability to decide of things, that I took of my gloves and stomped on them.
And seen that every feeling can be read on my face whether I want it to be read or not, he must have sensed the attitude change that made him even more hesitant.
In a couple, I feel that we walk on the same path, holding hands, guiding the other one simultaneously. The path is bright as long as the hands are interlocked. I let go of that hand. The path disappeared.
Now imagine him in the dark, panicking, trying to find me, reaching for me, glimpsing me, but never grasping me because I refuse to help him find me, all the while making him feel guilty and unwanted.

I feel like a fucking sadist bitch.

Of course he would no longer dare talk to me ! How can I expect him to be natural with me when all I let him see is the contempt in my eyes? He is nothing but supportive and caring. When did I turn into this monster ?
What happened ?

I got tired and he scared of trying.

Like I said, we both need to go the distance and change. It will be a while before my emotions will heal and I will start to love him like before and even more.
Our hands have now found each other and the path is clear.

Spring

It's been a while again.

Not a lot has happened, but it's marked me nonetheless.
I finally had enough of Olivier's hesitations considering our relationship and I confronted him about it.
He promised to change as I did to be patient with him. Let's see if the 50th time is the charm....

I mean, he doesn't DARE talk to me about anything.
He didn't get me anything for our 3-year anniversary because he - and I quote - "didn't have the guts".
What ?
Am I that bad of a monster that my boyfriend, who is supposed to hold my heart, be himself, relax around me, find his haven in me, now finds himself short of a pair of balls ?!
Apparently he dares not tell me when things aren't to his liking or if he wants to do something because he is afraid of making a mistake and thus hurting my feelings ?! WTF.
I asked if it hurt his feelings when I sometimes tell him very honestly what I think about something. No, because at least he'll know about it. Does it hurt him if I pay attention to him but fail to for ex. buy his favorite dessert as a surprise ? No, because it's the intention that counts.
Well why can't he do the same thing with me ?
Does he not trust me enough to stay by his side even after a huge fight consisting of wicked tongue slashing ?

That really hurt.
Not as much as him revealing that sometimes he wants to do something nice for me, but then doesn't because he's afraid it won't matter. Instead of trying, he leaves me wondering why I only got a 10€ sweater for our anniversary, no card, no flowers, no gift wrapping.
Did I go overboard when I gave him gifts thinking it wasn't enough and surprised him with a bubble bath and a cake? I kinda felt stupid.
I love doing things for him, and I don't expect flowers everyday, diamonds, luxury hotels, it's just that.. sometimes I like to be reminded that he put some effort in showing me how special I am to him.. Maybe I ask too much, I don't know.
But I do know that you can't be happy in a relationship if talking to the other party is complicated. He can't be happy thus I can't be happy.
I can only be miserable knowing that my boyfriend FEARS ME.

Well.
After our talk, all we have to do is see if there is change.
I urged him to take the initiative when he feels like it, to shove it down my throat when it's necessary and BE HIMSELF.
Gah.

He seems to be better since our little talk. More relaxed around me, which is good and much appreciated. :) I just want him to be happy. Preferably with me.

Spring is starting to show itself.
We've had a few warmer days, where the evening air was still fresh, as in pure, and inviting.
Today there're clouds covering the sky, no sun to be seen and a slight breeze. It's a national holiday so I'm just using it to rest, be lazy and do nothing. :)
Well, I did do a gift for one of my clients. She lost her cat Cookie a while back so I decided that finally, today, I was to sculpt a kitty figurine for her, using my polymer clays.
She sent me pictures of Cookie so I know what she looked like. I made her lie down, holding a jar of milk and a plate of cookies :D Yes, corny, I know. I just can't help myself.
Will put up pictures afterwards. Or you can just check it out on my DeviantArt page.

I have 5 days off in July. I have yet to decide what to do... hmmmmm...

Apparently Father and Brother are in frosty terms... they fought, didn't quite understand why, but hopefully neither got hurt. Dad doesn't need much to blow up and bro isn't exactly the shy one either.
*sigh*
It just makes me feel all queasy.. :/

Oh!

I discovered a wonderful delight called mochi ! I discovered them in a Japanese restaurant. I had seen them in the Asian supermarket I sometimes go to, but I always decided to try them another time. So, at the restaurant, I finally got the opportunity to taste them and gaaaaaawd are they good !
It's basically a sweet rice flour bun filled with ankô, a sweet red bean paste. The texture resembles that of Flubber, so you got to be careful not to take too much into your mouth at a time. There're even deaths by suffocating in Japon, provoked by these lovely treats :D
You can also stuff them with whatever you want, and use food colorings to bring some bright happiness to them :D
I tried making them last week. The taste was ok (didn't use as much sugar as suggested) but I guess I didn't precook the flour long enough. They didn't hold their round shape well enough.
Making anko was easy. I didn't use the azuki beans traditionally used, I used plain red beans.
I find the result pleasing. I made a whole butt load of it too ! :D Put it in the freezer for later use.
I need to try to make them today again :D
Miam miam.
Even Olivier likes them, which is pretty rare.

Oh well, back to work !

Forgotten

Oh dear.

I realized that I had forgotten to tell you about what happened at work after our skiing trip in March.

As I said in the post, I had hurt my arm.

I still went to work, feeling staying at home would be silly since I could still do some treatments.

So I had phoned them during our skiing trip to ask them not to put any "active" treatments on my planning. That meant :

No massages of any kind

No CM6

No oriental waxing (normal waxing was ok if it wasn't done using strips)

See, not very hard.

What I could do was :

Permanent make-up

Lash extensions

Facials

Waxing

Eyelash&eyebrow treatments

Body Excel

Hand&foot treatments

I made sure all the girls knew it so that we wouldn't be forced to change cancel the wrong treatments put in my planning. I even wrote in on my planning on each day so that they'd remember, and I even added a smiley face :)

So after a few days of work, my arm started to hurt.

I then decided that it'd be better to write the same thing on my planning for the following week, since my arm was not feeling any better.

As I started to write my little note, my superiors, Domi, noticed what I was doing and said to me : "If you continue writing like that on your planning, the boss will not like it."

I looked at her pretty perplexed and said "what? Why not? Would she prefer I hurt my arm more?" She just shrugged and told me that she'd warned me.

I started to fume.

I called Oliv during lunch break and he advised me on the words I should use when talking to my boss. Poor guy, he has to help me with everything...

So when the boss was working at the reception and I had 2 minutes to spare, I went to see her.

-Um, I was led to believe that the fact that I can't do every treatment could be disturbing ?

"Well, yes, because you come to work and you are paid to do nothing."

-*WTF* Um, I do not understand why you would say that, because if you look at Monday *I start flipping the pages of the planning* my planning was complete, Tuesday my planning was complete, yesterday same, today I have 30mins to spare and Saturday I'm completely booked. I know I can't do everything, but I am still capable of doing the treatments of the highest worth (lashes, make up). And next week, Monday I have no more room to spare, Tuesday I'm almost completely packed unlike a few other girls that can do all the different treatments, Wednesday is pretty much open, but HEY, if you insist I'm better off at home than working, I'll take next week off since I am going to see the doctor tomorrow.

*Boss looks at my planning, flipping the pages*

"No, I would prefer it if you'd come to work."

-*WELL THEN STFU* Yes.

"And you're seeing the doctor?"

-Yup, my arm's started to hurt, that's why I wanted to avoid having to do certain treatments.

"*looks at the following week* We could put this client on someone else so that you won't stress your arm. *starts to scribble on the planning*"

-Sure, much obliged. Gotta go work now.

I was so angry before, but it felt good to show her how I really felt and that I don't just "do nothing" even if I am hurt. I mean, I have a hurting arm and I come to work to earn you money and for you it's BAD BUSINESS ?!

Or my superior who found the planning so difficult to organize with one person to take in consideration. WTF.

Oh well. I went to see the Dr who told me I had a double contusion on the arm (elbow, wrist) and I was to wear a wrist support (which a colleague of mine lent me). He wanted to put me on sick leave for a week but I refused.

When my superior found out, she asked me "Well why didn't you?"

-It would've been a bit of a shame, no, had I not come to work, planning packed as it is?

"Well sure."

-*blank stare of then-why-did-you-even-ask"

Gah.

The arm is completely healed now. Everything is allllll good.

Well except that I still need to go talk with my boss about changing the date for my operation....

She's on vacation.

Figures.

Recap.

I have calmed down.

Barely.

So, I may need to explain this all in detail.

I decided last year that I'd get an operation done on my right leg.

It has what they call a hallux valgus, which is mainly a deformation in the bone of the big toe which makes it make a move on the toe next to it. I bad cases the big toe is completely hidden under the toe next to it. Sly sucker.

So mine isn't a big deal, it just hurts when

I walk long distances

I wear tighter girly shoes

I wear heels

or in the worst case when I combine all of the above.

So basically all I can wear are sneakers and flipflops (which I avoid since I find my feet to be ugly). And men's sneakers, since I'm a size 42.

aka FML.

So.

I spoke to my boss about the operation already last year. I asked her if it was alright and I let her CHOOSE the right period for me to do it, so that it would not hurt our beauty salon's gains. How considerate of me.

AND to be even more of a douche, I'm not taking any vacation before my operation to compensate for my 2 month absence (my brilliant idea).

I saw the doctor, he gave me the details, which I gave to my boss, who thought about it and said either the beginning of the year or as I had already suspected, September.

The beginning of the year did not go well with my already made plans of skiing in March so we decided on September.

I booked the date with the surgeon and later with the anesthesiologist. It means that everyone knows since the beginning of the year that I will be absent from work September-October.

So yesterday, I was asked if I HAD to get my operation done in September.

HAD to.

I was a bit perplexed by the question and was revealed by my boss that 3 girls have decided to have (not ask, HAVE) their vacations in September.

One that makes me mad, just bought her non-reimbursable, non-exchangeable tickets without asking for her vacation first.

The second one HAS to have her vacation then because her bf, who btw owns 2 restaurants and is his OWN boss, is taking his vacation in September.

Not only does she demand to have her vacation, she also lives with her bf, in his through-work-gotten-apartment 2 MINUTES from where SHE lives and 1 min from where HE works and they have the same days off.

So it's not like they don't see each other.

The third was primarily employed to do office work, but she now only does what the others do, except that she doesn't do electrolysis, permanent make-up, LPC OR eyelash extensions. She does what any other "plain" beautician does.

And she's paid 2-3€/h more than the rest of us.

So she demands to have her vacation in September because otherwise it's not possible and she threatens to leave if she doesn't get what she wants.

So my boss is faced with sneaks who blackmail and threaten her.

What does she do ?

She asks ME to change my operation date.

WTF.

Seriously ? That really shows how LITTLE she appreciates me and how she is more afraid of losing the others (2 of which do neither electorlysis, permanent make-up or lash extensions) and not losing me, who does everything the others do EXCEPT electrolysis, speaks 3 languages (I sometimes teach the girls how to write their OWN F-ING language) and puts her job before her health (broken bone, 2nd degree burn, arm contusion) and agrees to do anything asked of her without a thank you, please, compensation.

The only thing I get when coming to work while hurt is "it's so difficult to organize the planning when you work even when you are hurt". So you'd rather I stay home and NOT bring money to you bitches ?! You DARE say it's difficult when I'm making efforts for YOU ?! When it's difficult for me to WALK ?! To use my left hand ?!

FUCK YOU.

Oh dear, I think I lost my calm.

So anyways, I spoke to my sister, my mom and my step-dad and they all said that I need to go talk to my boss and tell her how I feel.

I can't always be the one who is asked to do everything and EXPECTED to act with a big smile.

Why should I bend to the will of others, why always me ?

Sure, sometimes I agree because it doesn't bother me, but to always give and never get ANYTHING in return ? I was even refused 1 (one) Saturday I wanted to get to attend a friend's wedding. I asked for it a few months ago.

Denied.

Gee, thanks.

I'll remember you when I look for a new job, I'll remember what not agree to.

And I'll laugh when you lose money.

(this is just me dreaming, but it would be so good to be able to be the one laughing at the end)

I just hope that one day she'll understand what I am worth and start treating me like the one who she'll never risk losing.

Easter

Wah !

I created !
I made a cow out of polymer clay for a colleague of mine. It turned out pretty great, I was just sad to give it away since she's not someone I appreciate that much. So yeah.
But it gave me an excuse to create so I'm not complaining that much.

I ordered a whole bunch of different colors in Fimo and Sculpey ! I found them really cheap on eBay, someone who sold her "collection" for a bargain. I was lucky enough to have found her offer, it saved me 150€ ! Insane.

To celebrate Easter, we went to Bruges with Olivier. We took the car Saturday, drove 3h, spent 2 nights at an ok hotel and drove back on Easter Monday.
I ate like a pig :D And we bought lots of chocolates ! Hihihihihhihiiii !
The weather was ok, grey, a bit windy and wet, but overall it was enjoyable. The museums weren't worth the entrance fees, but the beer was ok.

Yesterday I experimented with the few polymer clays I already have, and I made 3 charms for my bracelet with them.
Cakes are really hard to make, whoa. I hope I won't lose patience with making them amongst other stuff. I have so many ideas, but I also have to ask myself this :

"Once I've made them, what do I do with them?"

Good question.

So, my operation is supposed to be in September.

All that might still change ! I was asked today to change the date from September to October.

Why, you ask ? Because 3 other girls want their vacations in September.

One apparently already booked and paid for her vacation without asking permission first.

Another demands to get her vacation then, otherwise she'll just fake a sickness and not come work.

A third is pretty much like the second 'xcept that she threatens to leave.

So since everyone else refuses to bend, it's up to ME to do that for the others.

Compensation ? Wait, what ? For being nice ? I'm sorry, you must be living in Laalaaland, since you should just be happy to get paid at the end of the month.

I reeeeaaally want to say no.

Really I do.

I'm too angry now, this situation sucks.

Crafting

I've been bit by the crafters' bug.
I spent the whole day today looking at tutorials for polymer clay patterns and designs, and trying to understand the coded language of knitting design tutorials.
The day before I spent searching for headbands to buy (didn't buy any because found most of them ridiculously expensive for what they were).
And there're 50 sheets of shrinky dinks collecting dust on my "artsy shelf".

My head is so full of ideas and my hands are itching. I need to channel this energy !!

I want to knit.
I want to mold.
I want to make something with Shrinky Dinks.
I want headbands.
.
.
.
.
I shall combine all of that.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

And I want it to be something with...
NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

I was thinking of making a headband with a knitted (?) Oogie Boogie and Lock, Shock and Barrel Shrinky Dink charms !Yaaaay!
I already finished my Shrinky Dinks ! CHECK
I was so happy with how they turned out.
I was a bit scared to put them in the oven since I had spent a fair amount of time on them. But fortunately the sheets are of good quality and they turned out fantastic !
I loved watching them do their magic in the heat. I even called Olivier to come see the transformation !
There we were, both of us, sitting on the floor of our kitchen, staring at our oven, going "I'm scared", "that don't look too good..", "ooh" "aah" "sweeeeet...". :D
Aah fun times.

So next step, Oogie !
I have no green wool. DAMNIT

I have no plain headband to decorate. FAIL.
I need to go buy stuff and get back to this project....

Fudge.

I want to buy polymer clay.
But I don't know the color or quantity to choose.
Oh the choices of life...

I'd like to make a candy themed headpiece..
And with flowers.
And something with wings...
HMMMM.

And I'd like to make fairy sculptures with polymer clay and their wings with Shrinky Dinks....GAAA.

Old post

So this is what I was writing about 2 weeks ago:

So it's Monday again.

I still have 4 work days left before our skiing vacation starts !

We are to leave on Saturday in the car of Olivier's friends who are a couple.

We still need to reserve skiing and snowboarding equipment for me, but otherwise it's pretty much organized. We'll go grocery shopping Saturday, we'll need to buy lots because at one point we're going to be 10 in total, and most of us are staying from Saturday till Sunday. We mustn't forget drinks either :D

Last week was pretty calm.

Work is ok, as always.

Thursday I went jogging and shopping with AK, Friday I didn't do anything. Sunday I dragged Mat out of his bed (I had to walk to his flat first) to go running with me. He was a bit hung over but I have no heart ;)

At the end he was content to have done something of his Sunday.

Oh, I dyed my hair ! It's a deep red now, less natural than before but I like it !

Olivier finds it a bit too red but I don't care :D My hair, my color.

The girls seem to compliment me on it. Hehee.

Mum left for Sri Lanka, and I've been talking with her and Timo via Skype. After all these years of asking her to get Skype, she needs to go to Sri Lanka to get it... Figures.

I'm sure she's not getting it for Finland. She claims she doesn't know how to use it. You press a button, it's not that complicated :D

Oh ! I went to get my ring Friday, I forgot to tell you :)

I was so happy to finally get it, after 5 weeks of waiting..

...only to find out that it was still too big...........

Boy was I gutted.

So I showed it to Oliv' the following evening and he promised we'd go sort it out Saturday.

So there we went and asked them to make it the right size. They wanted to charge us for it, but once Olivier had raised his voice they were like "fine" and agreed to do it.

So now we have to wait another 5 weeks.

Oh and one of the addresses we were given by the tribunal in order to acquire a paper proving I'm not an outlaw proved to be fake. So Oliv had to ring the tribunal and tell them what had happened. They gave a sliiiightly different one with sliiiiightly different instructions.... What a bunch of douches.

And this is what happened during the ski :

Last week was pretty fun. I have to admit I was pretty nervous about spending a whole week with people I don't really know, apart JD and Cat.

My fears proved to be for naught and we had a lovely time.

We left with Mato and Pepet and arrived Saturday pretty late after having made a stop at the supermarket and bought all that we needed for the week.

At the flat, JD, Cat, ChaCha, Brousouf, Xav and Margo were waiting for us.

We installed all our stuff (we had the "royal suite"=parents' bedroom) and ate a late dinner while discussing stuff and getting to know each other.

At first, I was pretty intimidated by the other girls but after a few days I was more relaxed.

So, Sunday. I used Olivier's sister-in-law's skis, his dad's poles and rented boots from Intersport.

It was a disaster.

The last time I had skied, it was like 10 years ago. And the steepness of the slopes was too much for me. I struggled to keep up with the others who ski or surf regularly, but in vain.

I tried to go faster than I should, and after a few hours, I had already fallen two times because I couldn't brake and twice 2 different people had crashed into me - and that was when I wasn't moving and they came in from the behind ! The last crash really hurt, I was standing with Mato, feeling pretty down because of the failed skiing when a surfer crashed into me in full speed, yelling "ATTENTIOOOOOON!!!!".

And it was NOT my fault. He couldn't control his speed, he blamed first me, then the snow and finally the way the skiing station was shaped. Mato just yelled at him while I was down and gasping for breath, tears of frustration and hurt filling my ski mask.

I drew a line right there and then, left the others to their pleasure, descended in the oeufs, returned the boots and rented the snowboarding equipment.

Monday we started snowboarding.

Or as I like to call it : trying not to fall.

Olivier chose the "easiest" of pistes, but for one who just starts surfing, everything seems steep.

We started with my right foot in front.

I kept falling on my ass. :D

We did a lot of "dead leaf" exercises. It means that my snow was perpendical to the slope and I tried to descend like that, finding my balance and getting used to the sensation.

We descended the piste twice the first day. And I fell down constantly. This video shows me doing some dead leaves before managing to turn. Not bad for a first day ! :D

Tuesday I was very enthusiastic to jump on my snow to get better and better.

We tried a new approach : left foot first, and that was what made all the difference. I even managed to turn a few times !

I fell down on my left arm one time too many, and had to stop for the day. I went to see the doctor who after x-raying my arm determined my arm had just suffered the shock of too many falls and needed to rest.

I got painkillers and a gel to apply 3 times a day.

So Wednesday I did nothing. I did go eat with the others at noon and went to see the shops of the small town of Contamines. I found a lovely scarf that Oliv bought for me, to congratulate me on my progress :)

Thursday, my arm still ached, but I still wanted to surf.

I finally managed to master turning on both sides and started to surf a bit faster, I gained in confidence. I really liked it. We even changed the piste to try something else.

And for the last descent we showed everyone my progress. I managed to fall down a few times, but otherwise everyone was pretty impressed by my fast learning. I gave all credit to my chéri :)

We went out that day, got drunk, spoke to a few Englishmen and had fun :)

Here's me gaining in confidence, and Olivier had this Tarantino thing for my ass (don't know why), he needed to film it. Sorry about that.

Here's another, less ass-y.

Friday, Olivier wanted to go with the others and try another piste.

He told me it was going to be easy and no steep hills were in sight.

He lied.

The first hill was insanely steep for me. What also stressed me was that the others were waiting for us.

I felt furious with him and a blockade installed. I was scared of descending, but wanted to try, forced myself to descend the piste even if I was terrified and enraged.

I just fell down all the time. I lost all confidence in myself.

We left to surf the piste, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even stay on my snow. I had lost all my balance. So at one point, I just took off my snow and started to walk towards the oeufs which were far away. Oliv didn't understand anything and started to get upset with me and once I had reached side of the hardest piste there, I had a panic attack.

Breathing problems, trembling, tears, all that jazz.

Took me a while to calm down.

I just needed to get out of the pistes and get home.

So I just speeded home and stayed in my corner the whole evening. Didn't even want to eat with the others.

During the evening we started drinking and playing "I've never" game.

It was really funny. Cat was really awkward, she didn't want to know about JDs past.

I was pretty intrigued by that.

Saturday I asked her about it, because Olivier know everything about me, and I know everything about him. She just said that sometimes the past can hurt the relationship and so she preferred to not know anything about him before they met.

I just find that.. hmm.. sad.

So Saturday I tried to surf. I had a lot of trouble with confidence and I felt I was just regressing in my surfing.

So I sat down on the snow and let everything out. My frustration, my anger at him, EVERYTHING. We sat together for an hour, and everything got better. My blockade vanished and I managed to surf again.

It was good :)

We didn't do anything special for our last evening, just drank a little.

The next day we took the train early.

We got home at 2, I slept for 3 hrs and ate. All was good.