It's always raining in my head.

It's Friday and I have a day off.

I had my reasons for not writing, one of them being that I didn't want to, I was afraid of what I'd reveal with my writing.

Now that the storm has passed, my fears are gone.

I didn't want to go to Finland. I almost missed the plane because I took so long deciding whether to go or not. I dreaded it. I know, I was aching to go to Finland a month and so ago, but the situation changed. I gained weight. I gained back all I had lost.

I felt so ashamed of myself, so stupid, like a total loser. Everyone had known about my depression and my weight loss, but no one knew I had gained everything back.

So I didn't want to show myself.

Olivier had to convince my (by phone) to get my fat ass to the airport to see my family, otherwise I'd regret it.

I then finally packed my suitcase and left. I was at the airport 45min before the plane took off.

At least I didn't have to wait long.

I felt bad on arriving to Finland. Sure, I was happy to see my sister, my mom, but I couldn't shake off the shame.

I felt awkward.

I was really happy to see my friends. They made me forget about everything. To think that there's actually people who take to time and money to come especially to see me.. I don't know what to say. Except that I don't deserve it. But I'm more than happy that they did.

I bumped into Peter. I couldn't believe it at first when I lifted my eyes in irritation from the books-for-sale-bin to the figure hovering over me, only to lock eyes with someone I haven't seen since summer but who often and repeatedly appears in my mind for numerous reasons.

I felt like running away first for the briefest of times, but was then incredibly...relieved I guess. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, like rays of sun after a long stay in the dark, like.. someone I needed to see.

We stayed at this café talking for like 1½ -2h. It was too short.

We talked about stuff new and old, about Ann-Mi, our relationships and plans.

I can talk about my pains with anyone who asks, but there are only a few with whom I can talk face to face and without feeling worried. Worried of being judged, looked down upon, frowned at, ignored etc.

He is one of those few.

He's the only one of my friends I saw twice during my short stay - and he didn't even know I was coming. Boy did I feel stupid and bad about it. I guess I didn't think he'd have time for me, or if his gf would permit the meeting, had she known it was me (I got this feeling she reeeeaaally likes me - or not). So I didn't want to be the reason for fights or trouble.

I'm just sad I missed Ann-Mi by a few days. Sucks major ass.

I went to see an optician whilst there. And surprise surprise, my vision HAS CHANGED.

Fucking useless over payed turds they have here in France, claiming to be eye doctors, having spent years honing their skills in the mystery known as the EYE. Well it's still seems to be quite a mystery for them!! For fuck's sake, I have to travel 1950 km to get to hear the phrase "Yes, your vision has changed". I felt like crying of joy when she said it, not looking at me like I was so ignorant slut not worth her time and just waiting to get her hands on the 70€ she charges for a bad job.

Furking turds...

After coming back from Finland I was exhausted. Not just by the traveling but also by the fake smiles I had to flash and the bad feelings I had to disguise. For a while I really felt like letting go of everything, disappearing and the easy way out.

Even if I am a coward, I can't not think of the people and the pain I'd be leaving behind.

So I just sit here and let myself rot, causing pain to Olivier. I really don't understand why he bothers with me..

I was so incredibly tired this week that I asked to have my Tuesday off. It was granted, thanks to non-existing clients. I was able to stay home and rest. My back pains have reappeared, it's not a funny feeling. It fucking aches.

And to make it worse, Tuesday I couldn't rest well because they were fixing up the plumbings upstairs. And I could rest even less when they came to drill the wall in our toilets. Yihhaa.

The head plumber (he looked like Luigi with his thick black mustache) just kept cursing our building to the deepest darkest corners of Hell while at the same time hoping not to burst the main water line. Whoop-di-doo.

I'll write more later today, we're leaving to see foldable bikes. yay.