Stabilization.

Last Saturday my boss wanted to talk to me.

I stayed with her for 45mins after work listening to her tell me how I should either see a psychiatrist or a homeopath.

Ok, I get it that she got worried because all the girls told her I wasn't ok, that I had stopped eating blahblah blaaah, but to tell me to go see a shrink ? I just wanted to tell her to stuff it, be it was still so cute that she got worried. She also told me that if I ever needed to take some time off to get better, she would understand, even if it meant canceling clients.

I tried telling her I was better, I felt better, but depression is not something that just goes away when we wish it to.

And then she said the worst thing one could possibly say to a person that all her life has heard "you are ugly, stupid, fat" and complexed about it to the end that she is miserable with her extra weight : You're thinness really doesn't suit you, it's ugly.

Bim.

Thinking back I think that was the spark I needed to leave the dark hole I was sitting in. It really made me fume afterwards. I mean who is she to tell someone how she should be ?! I'm not the size of a ballerina, I'm a big 38!

Jesus.

So anyways, I got through that and it made me start eating again. That night I sat Olivier down and I told him about my total lack of eating. He was worried, but glad that I had told him. I ate some salad and spinach soup.

Sunday I went to see him play. He played brilliantly and made my heart beat faster ;)

Afterwards at home he packed his bags for Barcelona and made all the necessary preparations for his trip. We watched the first movie of the extra super extended version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was ready to fall asleep at the end, I kept eating raisins to keep me awake.

Monday he left with the first light of day and I was left snoring in bed.

At work I ate with the girls for the first time in 2 weeks. I even had a mandarine for breakfast and when I told them that they were shocked :D Since Dukan, I haven't eating fruit for like 6 months. Hihihi.

Today we took new pics for the new brochures. At first I was supposed to be the one doing the massaging pics, but it was changed at the last minute. I was a bit hurt by that, but I reasoned that it must be because of what had happened with the Christmas tree client..

Oh well, I told Claire about it and she said that it must be because I haven't been well lately.

I stared at her and said : Excuse me?!

Well, it's normal that she doesn't really want you to be seen on the brochures since you haven't been feeling well.

I told her how hurtful her remark was but she was just like "oh don't take it like that, it's only normal".

So I was fuming and I had to confirm it with my boss. So shyly I asked her.

She looked at me in surprise and told me that no, not at all. The reason was my hands (see. Scarification). And it's true, my hands aren't at their prettiest at the moment.

I felt relieved and had to tell it to Claire who said that our boss had been to see her to tell her the same thing.

Anyways. And then.

I guess the girls don't understand the situation I am in. My boss has told me that if I'm not feeling ok, I shouldn't be let to do make-up tattoos. I told her that I wouldn't joke around with a matter that important. I wouldn't hold the dermograph if I wasn't sure I was capable of doing it.

So today, I eat a salade with the company of the girls.

It's enough to make me full so I don't eat any dessert.

Later on, my boss tells me that the girls told her I don't eat enough during lunch break.

Oh for fuck's sake.

"You should eat sweet stuff ! Pastries ! I'm going to get mad with you Laura, it's going to be war!"

Oh I'll just go eat a few dates over there in the corner..... Look, see, I'm eating sweet dates. Mmm, dates :)

Ok, so which one of you girls told the boss that I wasn't eating enough for your tastes ?

"Well you have slimmed down an awful lot in the last two weeks. Have you seen yourself?"

Well yes, I know this for a fact but you know, I'm fine, I didn't eat more than the salad because it was enough to make me full.

*rolling of eyes* "Yeah right, here, eat a chouquette"

I don't like chouquettes, they're full of air and they are disappointing more than anything.

*more rolling of eyes* "But you've lost too much weight! It's not becoming of you!!"

Fuck they're talented in turning the knife in the wound.

Yes, well thank you, but I like myself very much like this compared to before. It's very touching that you're to feel concerned about me but please, I really am better than I was a few weeks back.

"But it doesn't suit you!"

At this point I had to ask Sandra, the girl who had lost 10 kgs with Dukan and who now is a size 34-36 : And do YOU find yourself fat?!

"No, I'm fine with the way I am"

Well good, because so am I.

"Fine!"

Gah.

I spoke with Clara about it and she really is someone who I think understands me. She even says so herself. She's already thin but she is complexed with her lovehandles. I mean, to me they're nothing to be stressed about, but I know that when YOU are not happy with something, it doesn't matter if everyone else tells you elsewise. So I can talk to her. She can talk to me. :)

I see no point in criticizing others when it's their own business.

Oh well, I guess I respect others too much to the point that it makes me look indifferent.

Hey, I'm Finnish, live and leave alone.