I hate.

I should've known. I knew that I'd jinx it by writing about it!

No more lash extension. They called yesterday so say that they were short in staff so they were forced to cancel. Fuckers.

I got mad with Olivier a few days ago.

You see, I'm someone who shows my appreciation for others by doing something. I enjoy giving, offering and helping. I cook dinner for Olivier for when he comes home from work.

And that's where we are different.

Olivier's first serious relationship is with me. I'm the first girl he introduced to his parents or even spoke ofto others. Many a time we've had serious discussions (ok, I've bitched about something) because of his lack of attention. The poor guy, I'm not easy to handle. Sure, I'm sweet, but I can also rip your head off if I'm not happy. I can get really moody about NOTHING. The slightest thing can tick me off.

And when that happens, he's at loss.

So, what frustrated me the other day : he hadn't even started to prepare dinner when I came home. He was playing with the Wii. And it's not that he doesn't know when I come home or what to prepare, I called him to say that I had left work and he suggested fish. I said I wasn't going to eat much because I wasn't that hungry, but that I wanted mushrooms.

It's frustrating.

I mean, I don't do things for people to get something in return, but when it's always you and seldom the other(s), you start asking yourself if what you do is worth nothing.

So I didn't eat. I went to bed really early, quite vexed.

The next day it still kept bugging me. I tried not to think about it and let it slide.

In the evening I was - again - browsing the "private-sales" internet pages and I came across some cheap stuff for others, Olivier and myself.

Olivier's been whining about the fact that I keep buying him stuff for presents. He already knows that for Christmas he's getting a 1 year subscription to his favorite rugby magazine, a nice wool sweater and a Calvin Klein hoodie.

I know that he has on gift for me for Christmas, a Nightmare Before Christmas figurine I've been drooling after for a few years, and that he's starting to panic about my birthday, 13 days after Christmas.

So when he came home I showed him a sweater I had found and asked if he was interested in getting it. I wasn't going to get him a fourth present and that he was glad about.

I showed him the other stuff I had found and in particular a nice Morgan t-shirt. He said it looked nice and that I should take it. I said that I wasn't sure because I'd been spending a lot of cash on things for me lately and I didn't want to overdo it.

I was kinda hoping that he would get the hint.

He didn't.

So I said that if he wanted to, he could buy it for me.

A small pause: "euh.. ok.. sure, why not". Geez, don't get too excited.

I hate asking others for something, be it help, a service, money, things, gifts, I HATE it. I don't like receiving gifts I didn't ask for either so I've briefed my family and no one gets me anything on special days. Unless they know I want something.

I hate having useless things I don't like or use in my possession. Gah.

So.

He paid for the stuff and we went to bed.

I couldn't sleep.

The next morning I told him that I would reimburse everything except his sweater.

"Oh, ok, sure".

Thanks for insisting.

SOOO the next day it was too much for me to handle so I told him during the day that we really needed to talk because it was killing me.

So we talked. I explained in my charming sarcastic-cutting-angry way and at the end everything was ok. I hate having bad blood between us, that's why I prefer talking honestly and maybe too openly with him so that nothing is left in the shadows and all questions are answered.

He also explained to me that if he doesn't do something - in general, not just in the relationship -

it's often because of the fear of doing it wrong. Fear of the uncertainty.

I responded that that's why if in doubt, ASK ME.

He promised to work on it. :)

But he still didn't get me the shirt.